Someday we'll know I never meant for you.

I miss looking at guys when there was no sexual desire.

term

rewriting something but unable to really express myself, with how people should know me is kinda privilege that I dont have yet. Being homo is somehow kinda depressing especially when you have dual identity. not sure when exactly would I have to be myself, without having to mask myself for being something else.

I wish I was born differently.

email.

one of my former classmate send an email few days ago, asking whether Im still considering to visit her. it was about time, i need to consider time for myself. Ive been really stress with rile of work that have been plundering non-stop since last year. Maybe it's a great time for myself, liberates from this agitating and daunting non-ending-task of life.

anyway, she has a cute brother. heheh

k bye.

Im updating this from library

of justin bartha

and then ive realized, my kinda guy is not six pack hyper masculine...



Justin Bartha, if you happened to read my blog, email me pls?

hell is hot wherever you'd be.

its been a while i didnt write anything here. ive been doing absolutely nothing to search for the sanguine that seems unable to appear despite my soul and body long for. a bit dramatic for a start, right?

no, I kid. not really doing nothing. ive been studying for my second journey to search for the never ending commodity knowledge. if you've been wondering how study have been, its equally lonely journey just like how my life have always been. 

i've met my friend two days ago. well, i was in town and she was just there. we decided to meet for a while and exchange some thoughts on mid 20s life.

she told me Im no longer a virgin.

and I slowly whisper Im gay, who do you think will go to hell first?

we continue talking about the never ending life.

unspoken piece.

They say its only a phase. a phase when you will experience every single thought running through your head.
because they say, its only a phase.
no one was born gay, because.. its a choice. between wanting to make sound so true,
or running from the truth.
its the choice i never had the priviledge to choose.
its the desire, i never had the priviledge to look for,
because it is in my vein.
reining to every single part of my blood.

and its because, Im not you.

every time I see you, it reminds to burning hot water,
under the desire that i had never get the chance to refrain.

I seek advice whenever I need to,
and whenever i dont,
i eat your words, unwanted candy that tastes like sour cream.

and I (dont give) shit to every words that you say.
because you are not gay.


I never asked anyone to tell me whats wrong with my life.
because its my life.
my dignity
my love.
and my humility.

life is only once. and its too short to follow everyone else
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I ONLY LIVE ONCE.

i was so sure you would never leave me, but you did.

I feel kinda passionate with Im doing lately, the surreal feeling of achieving something. you know, the *fist-in-the-air* kinda thing, well ya.. Im kinda impress with myself *bimbo snap* *360 Degree Snaps*

hehehe..

Anyway, I used to be uncomfortable with my inner thought. I refused to acknowledge and resist the urge to understand my own self, I rather create a new reality for me to fit in. But, eventually i realized, it was nothing to be in the semi reality. because, it just a semi-reality. and hyper reality that I dun really comfortable to live in. Hence, I decided to live the real world. though, what is perceived to be real, is not that real. 

My sexual orientation have always conflated with the norms and expectation my the written. I used to believe it was only a phase, that someday will passes by. But.. it didnt. I still longing and expecting love with the same gender. People might consider homosexual as in a "mental disease" but if I decided to be part of the mental disease, why bother to judge?

but I still uncomfortable talking about it. No one really knows and if I might add no really cares to whatever life that i had, hid and having. because one thing for sure, no one really call for my existence.

I've been watching a lot of movies on sexuality. well, the west (which I was suppose to study there but I flunked, fuck ah) clearly accepted the principle of freedom without harmful. The way they are perceiving the non heterosexual is like.. very easy. which I found it.. quite disturbing.

maybe ya, Im still not ready to accept myself (ehh what? i thought I was ready?) 

The point is this, I always repressed my sexual urges to something else. reading or do something else. though at times.. in the endless night, I would think about it.. but in the end I keep on forgetting the feet that stood everyday doesnt really accept differences. in fact, differences can only lead to harm and might jeopardized me. saw one transgender was beaten last week. imagine if were to come out from the closet.. in the light of justifying my sexual orientation..

so I guess I rather not.

the truth is, I dun really think i need to show to everyone how horny i am to the same gender. neither do I believe revealing my sexual orientation is just to express freedom. but I rather keep it secret to myself. but, I accept myself as who I am. will not let anyone to tell me.. the other way around.

 I dun really know what im talking about. hehe.