i was so sure you would never leave me, but you did.

I feel kinda passionate with Im doing lately, the surreal feeling of achieving something. you know, the *fist-in-the-air* kinda thing, well ya.. Im kinda impress with myself *bimbo snap* *360 Degree Snaps*

hehehe..

Anyway, I used to be uncomfortable with my inner thought. I refused to acknowledge and resist the urge to understand my own self, I rather create a new reality for me to fit in. But, eventually i realized, it was nothing to be in the semi reality. because, it just a semi-reality. and hyper reality that I dun really comfortable to live in. Hence, I decided to live the real world. though, what is perceived to be real, is not that real. 

My sexual orientation have always conflated with the norms and expectation my the written. I used to believe it was only a phase, that someday will passes by. But.. it didnt. I still longing and expecting love with the same gender. People might consider homosexual as in a "mental disease" but if I decided to be part of the mental disease, why bother to judge?

but I still uncomfortable talking about it. No one really knows and if I might add no really cares to whatever life that i had, hid and having. because one thing for sure, no one really call for my existence.

I've been watching a lot of movies on sexuality. well, the west (which I was suppose to study there but I flunked, fuck ah) clearly accepted the principle of freedom without harmful. The way they are perceiving the non heterosexual is like.. very easy. which I found it.. quite disturbing.

maybe ya, Im still not ready to accept myself (ehh what? i thought I was ready?) 

The point is this, I always repressed my sexual urges to something else. reading or do something else. though at times.. in the endless night, I would think about it.. but in the end I keep on forgetting the feet that stood everyday doesnt really accept differences. in fact, differences can only lead to harm and might jeopardized me. saw one transgender was beaten last week. imagine if were to come out from the closet.. in the light of justifying my sexual orientation..

so I guess I rather not.

the truth is, I dun really think i need to show to everyone how horny i am to the same gender. neither do I believe revealing my sexual orientation is just to express freedom. but I rather keep it secret to myself. but, I accept myself as who I am. will not let anyone to tell me.. the other way around.

 I dun really know what im talking about. hehe.