when heart doesnt speaks anymore.

It is not easy to live with so many secrets in ur head.

and the only friend you could rely on, - your heart. speaks with sincerity. when you know, none of the word shall never be spoken.

or else, you wouldnt be alive for the next. Humiliated by the secret you hold.

the secrecy, you sworn wont dare to tell anyone.

not even to yourself.

I live by secret, i've kept in myself, and wouldnt even dare to anyone. not even myself, i live,sleep,eat,bath, and even drink with it. I have never told anyone, and I couldnt ever admit it to myself.

and nevertheless, i have never asked for acceptance.

whats matter, I hope someday I could find all the answer I needed.

it was a depressive year, knowing the fact (though I am denial about it). My heart crushed by the secret I hold to myself.i was in love.in the deepest love.in the deepest midst of love that I shouldnt even bother to speak at. i was in love with my friend.my guy friend. my own friend.

my <i>straight</i> friend. which he thought, I was his <s>bromance</s>

it wasnt easy to walk everyday without noticing how much love could possibly be. The love was just magic. I've been in love, in love with the person Im supposed to have. better to say, a normal orientation where you can find in everyone.

mine was different. I have never been in so much love. yes- I have to admit watching all the eye candy boys could be, just like you guys watching sweet girls in bikini.

someday I hope i'd be able to be the person who lives in society. 

I have never told my friend about my orientation. In order to do so, oftenly I avoid from hanging out with them. with a delicate excuse saying Im busy. yes- busy crumbling my secret in the deepest and darkest place. No one should ever knows it.

my crush, sorry couldnt have any better word for it, know was even my friend. of course he did ask me what exactly happen to us- though his relationship was downturn in the end. I dunno, I felt betray by my own feeling. and let alone to discuss.

so now, I am alone back. hoping someday I'll be as straight as everyone. could see the inner beauty of the person I should love it. 

modern family just sucks to the max, makes me wanna have a boyfriend. a real understanding one.

I have to admit, at times- I want to go into relationship, knowing someone would cry with me when Im depress, laugh with my happy. kiss me when I need to (insert word) and just hanging out with me. Sharing the passion of learning and talking about History,Philosophy. Art, Poetry, and the nonsense and whatnot.

Its just too impossible to find one. The one philosophy King.

How I miss to have friend around.

and How I miss to talk to you.  

Till then, 

Dan is signing out.