inside and out.

More oftentimes, I think I've been thinking about you lately, I have no idea when its started, but hey I miss you.

I know we've never really a friend, but I wish I could tell you how much I miss you..

hmmm...

....

who knows love can be so cruel.

I never like twilight.

I watched first Twilight saga in circa 2007 and decided to buy the book (s) for 4 saga which in returns kinda makes me regret, because I know the end of the story. The only reason I decided to keep the book because- I need robert pattison  or edward if you may call him. Because, he is..

I like the way his affection towards Bella, (but I never liked anyone name bella), every smile that potray sadness and every single words and lines utter were just to show how much the love could possibly cultivate. The story itself is metamorphosis of forbidden loves entice between 2 different being (which has the same origin) I mean, its a good storyline only the part when..

Bella is pregnant. dear lord, your heart stop beating and how the heck your sperm could produce?

That's the only part I wasnt really sure to digest, yet I think the main reason I decided to watch the final saga, because..

I might not gonna see edward in that shape. in that affection, in that desire.

I always wonder, would there anyone will be my edward? definitely  not bella, cuz she's kinda desperate. and sadly, she's not even fit to be part of the vampire. her so called blur-attitude doesnt really makes sense to me.

watch bel ami, oh dear- my dear edward now is a whore.

I like to watch sensitive guy whom would cry for a heavy cause (not in stupid boyfriend girlfriend relationshit ya) but, most of the time I rather like to see these kinda guy because of, family maybe, or maybe just cry out of frustration. I remember, one of my classmate when i did A level together, he cried he failed miserably for literature and asked for my help. though, I wasnt the highest, but we learn about Jane eyre (though it was bullshit as ...@#$@) he prefer to ask for my help out of many students. 

nevertheless, i live in my own world where I dun really speak to people. How can I ever find my edward ya?

......

Its not an easy thing for me, to wake up every morning and realize i wasnt normal unlike others.In fact, its not an easy thing to fit in society when you know half of the population doesn't really inclined towards anything out of social norms. In fact, its even worst when I dun even fit in any part of the society.

I dun really get the ideas of having colossal group of friends, with the fake emblem of being popularity. you know I mean kan? I mean, some part of the society still doesnt really believes that being alone is eudominia rather than being intact with so many people.

sometimes I hate people.

I always avoid on having conversation with anyone. Sometimes, i prefer to talk to myself. I always wonders and walking alone in my college, because it doesnt really matter for me to whom I friend with.

My classmate asked me the other day, why i prefer to keep myself from the group and always walk alone. In fact, surprisingly when I decided to write my assignment alone rather than having a group to assist with my assignment. yes, even it puzzles my how the heck i rather to be alone every single days?

I think most of the days i speak less 10 words, 4 "terima kasihs" for the bus drivers and 1 terima kasih for lunch.

maybe the rest i talk to god and myself.

whatever it is, I think im happy. :) 

off being straight and not so straight.

The podium of world, the cosmos, the relative theory of the string would essentially and eventually trying to find god. As in the existence of the existentialism. well, forget about all the philosophical, (reason) and revelation (divine one ya) and kinds of epistemological (values) that u have learn in school and answer me honestly

do u want to be straight? 

when I was young, I couldnt remember when, but I guess it starts a very long time ago, watching power rangers and always admired the Blue rangers. Yes, the one that I yet to figured he quit due to his orientation.

and yes, there was a another power rangers, if im not mistaken around 1999-2002 (somewhere in between) there was another power rangers, and the red ranger tore of his cloths and exhibit his firm straight muscle. and, I wasnt turn on, yet the delicacy of his body makes me wanna watch more.

get the idea?

nevertheless, the strength of my knowledge (told ya studying philosophy is not for stupid people and bring lodsa of benefits compared to other nonsense science) alter my perception in so many level and in so many different ways. Human is governed through the natural laws, i mean if u like to term it that way, fine go and find another definition of it. your sexual orientation is value, and there's nothing sick about it. Perhaps ya, if influenced people and seduced a straight being, nonetheless, its a matter of choice. whenever I read any publish article saying being different is not a choice rather than to be natural, that's just bullshit. I still believe the nature of human being is all about the natural law. trust me, the guiltiness of altering it, will never makes u eudominia.

 

what Im trying to say here, yes- sexual orientation should be natural. however, if u decided to go against the odd and try to impose your values to others, well that's just bullshit.

I dun see any problem anyone that has different values. I mean, we are all different. the differences should be respected rather than to be tormented. nevertheless, the problem is, when you started to impose others to accept your values, sexual orientation is private matter. 

I still believe somehow beneath all these confusion lies the nature of human being, MY BEING, nonetheless, one thing for sure, that's the values that I have. and the kind of values that I dun really about others to think. Im different, and conforming the norms will makes me unhappy.

Thus, its ok for you to be whatever you are, as long as, if u decided to break your leg and bleed your heart then fine. do it at your own risk.

my advice is, if u want people to against the natural law, pls study philosophy.