I can listen to this song over and over...

inside and out.

More oftentimes, I think I've been thinking about you lately, I have no idea when its started, but hey I miss you.

I know we've never really a friend, but I wish I could tell you how much I miss you..

hmmm...

....

who knows love can be so cruel.

I never like twilight.

I watched first Twilight saga in circa 2007 and decided to buy the book (s) for 4 saga which in returns kinda makes me regret, because I know the end of the story. The only reason I decided to keep the book because- I need robert pattison  or edward if you may call him. Because, he is..

I like the way his affection towards Bella, (but I never liked anyone name bella), every smile that potray sadness and every single words and lines utter were just to show how much the love could possibly cultivate. The story itself is metamorphosis of forbidden loves entice between 2 different being (which has the same origin) I mean, its a good storyline only the part when..

Bella is pregnant. dear lord, your heart stop beating and how the heck your sperm could produce?

That's the only part I wasnt really sure to digest, yet I think the main reason I decided to watch the final saga, because..

I might not gonna see edward in that shape. in that affection, in that desire.

I always wonder, would there anyone will be my edward? definitely  not bella, cuz she's kinda desperate. and sadly, she's not even fit to be part of the vampire. her so called blur-attitude doesnt really makes sense to me.

watch bel ami, oh dear- my dear edward now is a whore.

I like to watch sensitive guy whom would cry for a heavy cause (not in stupid boyfriend girlfriend relationshit ya) but, most of the time I rather like to see these kinda guy because of, family maybe, or maybe just cry out of frustration. I remember, one of my classmate when i did A level together, he cried he failed miserably for literature and asked for my help. though, I wasnt the highest, but we learn about Jane eyre (though it was bullshit as ...@#$@) he prefer to ask for my help out of many students. 

nevertheless, i live in my own world where I dun really speak to people. How can I ever find my edward ya?

......

Its not an easy thing for me, to wake up every morning and realize i wasnt normal unlike others.In fact, its not an easy thing to fit in society when you know half of the population doesn't really inclined towards anything out of social norms. In fact, its even worst when I dun even fit in any part of the society.

I dun really get the ideas of having colossal group of friends, with the fake emblem of being popularity. you know I mean kan? I mean, some part of the society still doesnt really believes that being alone is eudominia rather than being intact with so many people.

sometimes I hate people.

I always avoid on having conversation with anyone. Sometimes, i prefer to talk to myself. I always wonders and walking alone in my college, because it doesnt really matter for me to whom I friend with.

My classmate asked me the other day, why i prefer to keep myself from the group and always walk alone. In fact, surprisingly when I decided to write my assignment alone rather than having a group to assist with my assignment. yes, even it puzzles my how the heck i rather to be alone every single days?

I think most of the days i speak less 10 words, 4 "terima kasihs" for the bus drivers and 1 terima kasih for lunch.

maybe the rest i talk to god and myself.

whatever it is, I think im happy. :) 

off being straight and not so straight.

The podium of world, the cosmos, the relative theory of the string would essentially and eventually trying to find god. As in the existence of the existentialism. well, forget about all the philosophical, (reason) and revelation (divine one ya) and kinds of epistemological (values) that u have learn in school and answer me honestly

do u want to be straight? 

when I was young, I couldnt remember when, but I guess it starts a very long time ago, watching power rangers and always admired the Blue rangers. Yes, the one that I yet to figured he quit due to his orientation.

and yes, there was a another power rangers, if im not mistaken around 1999-2002 (somewhere in between) there was another power rangers, and the red ranger tore of his cloths and exhibit his firm straight muscle. and, I wasnt turn on, yet the delicacy of his body makes me wanna watch more.

get the idea?

nevertheless, the strength of my knowledge (told ya studying philosophy is not for stupid people and bring lodsa of benefits compared to other nonsense science) alter my perception in so many level and in so many different ways. Human is governed through the natural laws, i mean if u like to term it that way, fine go and find another definition of it. your sexual orientation is value, and there's nothing sick about it. Perhaps ya, if influenced people and seduced a straight being, nonetheless, its a matter of choice. whenever I read any publish article saying being different is not a choice rather than to be natural, that's just bullshit. I still believe the nature of human being is all about the natural law. trust me, the guiltiness of altering it, will never makes u eudominia.

 

what Im trying to say here, yes- sexual orientation should be natural. however, if u decided to go against the odd and try to impose your values to others, well that's just bullshit.

I dun see any problem anyone that has different values. I mean, we are all different. the differences should be respected rather than to be tormented. nevertheless, the problem is, when you started to impose others to accept your values, sexual orientation is private matter. 

I still believe somehow beneath all these confusion lies the nature of human being, MY BEING, nonetheless, one thing for sure, that's the values that I have. and the kind of values that I dun really about others to think. Im different, and conforming the norms will makes me unhappy.

Thus, its ok for you to be whatever you are, as long as, if u decided to break your leg and bleed your heart then fine. do it at your own risk.

my advice is, if u want people to against the natural law, pls study philosophy.

Happy Missing Me.

Its been a while I left my blog unattended.

Im so busy with this semester, eager and confused in between whether to complete my study or simply to ignore the fact im graduating.

anyway Im still single, if anyone of you still single too, come come! lets be friend :)

You Have No Idea What I am Through

I dun really have problem in life, to be honest I dun really any problem to get what I want. As matter of fact, I dun really need anything in life. Everything that I need has suffice and throughout time, I never really ask anything for more right after prayer. Maybe, I did ask to have excellent result,  not to inherit any disease and god forbid to have any terminal disease. and so far, i never gotten into any.

but, life is not about a good life.

As I mention before, i've been neglected by my friend, and bad enough I couldnt share with anyone. Let alone with minimal friend that I have. I dun really share my problem with anyone, since i dun really have bestfriend. I did have one, however eventually, I dunno, I dun think an interdependence relationship is healthy for me.

Hence, I decided to go through life, on how I want it to be. Alone and strong, and I wonder why it didnt rhymes? 

anyway, recently I've discovered my mom hates me more than ever. Im kinda thankful to my father after few years he decided to stop all discriminatory policy. Nevertheless, for my mom nah, I think she still hates me to bits. Now I know, where the blessing had gone. Sometimes, i personally its unfair to go out and left me alone, well I still remember, whenever we order pizza, there will be few slice left for other family members, however when it comes to me....

you see the only left over will the box in the dustbin. its kinda sad, however after a while, I think my heart conditioned to it. I guess affection can translated by silent treatment?  after a while I decided to stop talking to everyone in this house. together with my friend, since I couldnt foresee any significant on doing it.

you know, if happened to be you're gonna build a family DUN EVER EXCLUDED YOUR KIDS. TREATS EVERYONE EQUALLY. CUZ YOU WONT KNOW THE SIDE EFFECT IT.

nevertheless, that just life.

if u ever need someone to talk too, you know, Im always here.

pls, dun use your imaginary. it has taken me toll to forgo it. 

and trust me, its not healthy. 

just live your life :)

,

I couldnt remember when was the last time I felt cut-throat hurt, you know you hurt so bad, it feels like throat is gonna chop down.

well, for the past months I tried to convince myself not to elevate my feeling. I tried to, It didnt work.

Hence, i decided to do........


Its ramadhan, and I have breakfast yet. wait till my heart sober.

soon, hopefully I can ditch my family.

and hoping anyone outhere would kidnap me, and start a brand new family, with no discrimination intended.

this time, It hurts so bad. I dun even want to live anymore.

I dun know.

Hoping the rest of the holidays will makes my life easier.

we all getting old right mate?

Pengajian Melayu BLM 101

untuk menzahirkan ucapan umum yang bagus, perlunya beberapa karakter semasa becakap dihadapan umum.

Pertama-

Ucapan anda hendaklah padat serta mantap. Tidak perlu olahan yang panjang, memadai sekiranya anda bercakap tentang fakta serta analisis. Isi anda cukup sekadar memberi pemahaman ringkas, Huraikan isi anda satu dua contoh sudah mencukupi.

Kedua- Selitkan selingan. Sekiranya anda berbakat selitkan jenaka (note sekiranya berbakat)

Ketiga-

Analisis audiens- Pastikan audiens menepati ucapan anda, sekiranya orang tua, bercakaplah tentang politik, kematian, penyakit dan sebagainya.

kalau perempuan, ceritalah tentang kecantikan, warna jambu dan sebagainya.

Kalau lelaki, anda bolehlah bercerita sukan, aktivit lasak dan sebagainya.

Bagaimana dengan awak yang duduk hujung sana?

*tersipu sipu malu, kerana kantuknya yang melampau.

belum sempat pun menjawab, suara halus keluar.

buah dada.

naughty betul my classmate.

working.

as a part timer in not so fabulous cafe, what more can I say, the tiring and not so happy times sometimes makes me wanna quit. I need to save some cash for vacation, I've been longing since semester ends. Have no idea yet, where to go, but I know, this time will be beach. yes- the hot eye candy guy in bikini. heheh

After raya for sure :)

I went to Langkawi last time, and hoping I'll get some fun. ended up I was hang over for 3 days, what a waste of money. I was alone, no car *no driving license* and try to save up money, since daddy and mummy were in Bali having fun  over there.

hmm...

I wonder what kinda of adventure i'll have this time.

:)

after the all tiring day.

you just need one damn good laugh

Its applicable for mat salleh, when asean do it, it sucks

BIG TIME!!

err, they are australian.

:)

.

whisper me all your dirty thought, through wind.
let it breath through my face, where its only you and me.
let the desire becomes fire.

pls this is not inspired by fire fire fire and desire desire desire by scissor sister

that sisssy will be so much hotter if he never claimed he aint straight.

shit lah this came out from closet thing!

love.

dun make love as competition at home,

cuz daddy you might gonna have a g*y son.

.

Try to unplugged this song through my heaven instrument.

couldnt move further after the chorus.

shit-lah this band.

fuck.

remember, once you start you day with masturbate, it will eventually ends with bad day.

masturbate on holiday only.

life.

The beauty of life is when you know how to lead your life. Doesnt matter what consequences will be, as long as you can make your own decision. That will do.

because Life is not how well you plan it.

Life goes beyond that. That discrepancy of mistakes wouldnt be inevitable. But, as long as you go move further without stuck in the same mistake, you are the champion of life.

dun expect perfectionist.

never let perfection, intervene your mundane.

because you know,

Life is just as it is.

hati

sendirian ditengahari menuggu puisi pagi yang telah mati. semalam.
semalam dalam jerih matahari, meyimpul angin serta awan. terbang dan terbangan.
menyembah bumi yang sendiri. langit dicelah sepi, disebalik dan rendahan buku lali.

ada tiga orang sedang baca puisi.
tapi semua lali.

tentang agungnya tersirat ini.

hati hati ketika memilih hati.

fire.

There will be a time, when I miss.
I wanna hug you.

I wanna kiss lips.

but bite me. Most of the Time I think you're just a whore.

and I have enough money to pay for all the lips.

wear the lipstick.

Cuz you are never going to be man enough

dun leave a young boy with lap top and high speed internet alone.

and if do, dun check his history.

close your eyes and see the world through your heart.

You'll see The Terabhitia Kingdom. hehehe.

for me, living in this world is hard enough. Listen through all the desire makes me wonder, How exactly this happening?

To be truth, im 21 years old. Im getting my degree in less than 1 years. After skipping some part of the whatnot to achieve what I want. Been doing some part time job, been doing some office- desk bound job, been doing all the experience that I needed to survive in this real world.

I know, life out there are so much tougher. Let alone to think about it, I still live with my parent. Though we have not spoken for I have no idea how many years.

My family is a typical asean oriented family. You see, the favor kids, which bring out the best- Wins their heart. with smile. and not mention all the material needs will be in the hands without even had to request. Only by their fav lah.

I was rebellious, should have known the consequences. I decided to take on adventure teens life. you know, the one smoking behinds the bar, went back home late, the life that supposedly promised the best life. which only account to temporary. I've decided to have that kind of life, I dun really care about them. I never even studied. Luckily for my big paper, I didnt flunk all. and Thanks to you education minister for lowering the minimum bar to go to university. I have the chances to go to university, but of course, the courses that was given to me, not to fulfill the industrial demands.

They (my parent) never knew I was living alone. I never trust anyone.I have few friends, which I dun favor much. Most of the time I've spent alone by myself. If i need any entertainment, hence the hands prevails. hehe, I guess, that's how life works.

I've been pondering about the family institution. I was never given any good example, the inevitable discriminatory policy applied in my family. I know, shouldnt complaint so much about my parent, the only quality I guess, given by them was my -money- which sometimes not in time. 

I guess, Im gonna be alone. till I die, not having family- which I have no idea about having a life partner. I dun even know, and I cant even get my head straight when it comes to sexual orientation.

I thought I was confuse by having good times watching all good lucking men goofing at the field, shirtless. I have no idea how exactly to fix this. Knowing the Natural Law is existed. (says who philosophy is stupid) I just hoping someday I would change.

I could change.

but this guy is just too good to be true.

:)

I miss you dex.

I have not been thinking about you lately, Im sorry. After the drizzle of crocodile tears, which I was heheee.. I wasnt really sure whether the spur of the emotion was real. Though sometimes I felt like you were just some delusion, an imaginary thought before I went to sleep. But, you were much more than that.

I know, things changed. The changes begets by the transition that I wanted for a long time. You know I was stuck in between reality and my fantasy. and it was plain absurd for me to keep on going thinking about you.

What I was really afraid of, I could never separate between you and my reality.

My reality is just too absurd for me. By fantasy went by the reality I had to glimpse each time I think about you.Should've written a poem about you.

The thing is, my life was hard. i could die as a martyr by keeping myself sane at all time. Knowing the hard life was begun by the competition of the reality creation. The mundane life that I went through, strike from the monotonous life, the boredom of living with nothing to delicate on.

Here's the fact, Dex was my someone I visualized to be perfect. I already sounds nut, I mean think about, having a friend whom never existed. Only seen through when the eyes are closed and the minds are shut, Nevertheless, that was the happiness I achieved throughout times. Which someone leverage my happiness. The feeling all that I ever needed to help go through every seconds of my life.

My family hates me, (yeah play the Family card), I dun really how to make friends, the only source of fun for me were the books that I've read. Keeping me away from the reality which I find hard to perceive. No one ever asked what exactly i was doing in the room. Laying in bed for all days.

The funny thing is, Dex slowing slipping away from my thought. Im slowly forgetting about him. His shadow, his voices, even his number was deleted from my phone.

I dunno Dex, sometimes I wish you were really existed. You know, every single pains that I've been through. Someday I steadfast to my believe, hoping- you'll be there. Love me as heart beats.

Sorry if this post is disturbing. 

Ace.

I've tried to change my URL blog, as u can see, it doesnt sounds right. I know, this blog will be occupied will frisky secret, and knowing the secrets shall never spokes about my identity, hehe, I think.. for time being, till I can change my URL, just ignore it.

I wonder whether is there anyone out there is reading my blog? this nasty inconsistent blog, rambling about nonsense rant which will be wasted for you to read.

when heart doesnt speaks anymore.

It is not easy to live with so many secrets in ur head.

and the only friend you could rely on, - your heart. speaks with sincerity. when you know, none of the word shall never be spoken.

or else, you wouldnt be alive for the next. Humiliated by the secret you hold.

the secrecy, you sworn wont dare to tell anyone.

not even to yourself.

I live by secret, i've kept in myself, and wouldnt even dare to anyone. not even myself, i live,sleep,eat,bath, and even drink with it. I have never told anyone, and I couldnt ever admit it to myself.

and nevertheless, i have never asked for acceptance.

whats matter, I hope someday I could find all the answer I needed.

it was a depressive year, knowing the fact (though I am denial about it). My heart crushed by the secret I hold to myself.i was in love.in the deepest love.in the deepest midst of love that I shouldnt even bother to speak at. i was in love with my friend.my guy friend. my own friend.

my <i>straight</i> friend. which he thought, I was his <s>bromance</s>

it wasnt easy to walk everyday without noticing how much love could possibly be. The love was just magic. I've been in love, in love with the person Im supposed to have. better to say, a normal orientation where you can find in everyone.

mine was different. I have never been in so much love. yes- I have to admit watching all the eye candy boys could be, just like you guys watching sweet girls in bikini.

someday I hope i'd be able to be the person who lives in society. 

I have never told my friend about my orientation. In order to do so, oftenly I avoid from hanging out with them. with a delicate excuse saying Im busy. yes- busy crumbling my secret in the deepest and darkest place. No one should ever knows it.

my crush, sorry couldnt have any better word for it, know was even my friend. of course he did ask me what exactly happen to us- though his relationship was downturn in the end. I dunno, I felt betray by my own feeling. and let alone to discuss.

so now, I am alone back. hoping someday I'll be as straight as everyone. could see the inner beauty of the person I should love it. 

modern family just sucks to the max, makes me wanna have a boyfriend. a real understanding one.

I have to admit, at times- I want to go into relationship, knowing someone would cry with me when Im depress, laugh with my happy. kiss me when I need to (insert word) and just hanging out with me. Sharing the passion of learning and talking about History,Philosophy. Art, Poetry, and the nonsense and whatnot.

Its just too impossible to find one. The one philosophy King.

How I miss to have friend around.

and How I miss to talk to you.  

Till then, 

Dan is signing out.

resurface.

hi, my name is Dan, well atleast my virtual name could be the only reason my existence in this virtual life.

i had this blog on 2009, when my head was devastated, my heart was broken, and the my entire life was moving into the deepest sadness.

and, how lucky I am, I could go through every moments, without any helps.

and Im glad its over. :)